This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
