I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
