dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
