I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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