she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
