I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
