i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
