I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
