please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
