It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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