So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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