I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
