At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He did a backflip because drugs
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
