I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
