You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
