How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
