I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
