so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
