how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
