either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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