he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
