smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Four minutes until I can fart!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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