he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
