how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
two words: eviction party
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
