Your mouth is God's brothel.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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