How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
