just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
