Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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