nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
