I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
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