Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
