I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
