I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
