I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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