Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
