OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
