i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
