You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize
