My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
