my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I need to calm my uterus...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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