I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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