i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
