Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
