After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
