my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
