Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
