I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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