I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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