The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
