I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
