Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
